Hey Allen's Soul
by RedAugust
Summary: "Hey Allen…"  A shuddered breath echoed in hallowed lungs by a barely beating heart, "What…?"  "It's going to be okay. As soon as I can, I'll find my way back."
1. He's home

"Hey Allen!" Lenalee chirped happily as Allen approached her, but his expression spelled concern rather than a good morning or even a good night's rest.

"Hey Lenalee… Have you seen Lavi around at all? He called and said he was going to be back _yesterday_."

"He is an exorcist, Allen. He probably got caught up with some akuma somewhere and had to stay the night elsewhere. I'm sure he'll be back soon." She shrugged off the silver haired boy's concern with a smile and walked away.

Allen, however, could not liberate the dark feeling growing in the pit of his stomach; not at that moment, and not for the rest of that week. Something was _very_ wrong.

A night at the end of that week, Allen's weary grey eyes just couldn't seem to find sleep among their desires. His body was completely drained by the sandman and his mind was no longer hard at work. Perhaps it was the uneasiness of the clock ticking hollowly in his room, but he just couldn't relax his eyelids enough to sleep. He rolled onto his side to face the wall until he heard a soft knock and his door creaked open enough for a soft voice to roll through the gap, "Allen?"

He rolled back over and got up to meet her at the door, "What is it?

Lenalee was rigid, "Can you take a walk with me for a bit."

Allen nodded and stepped out.

Lenalee was still in her nightgown and the tear that escaped the veil of her short hair gave her an air of ghostly sorrow he couldn't ignore…

"What's going on? Why are you crying?" Allen cut off her pace.

She looked down shaking her head and pushed gently on his chest with fists clenched around the ends of her sleeves, "Just walk with me, kay?"

He hesitated, but obliged and they followed the dim lit halls.

In the way she walked, Allen could tell they had a destination behind their venture. He was about to ask, but she spoke first in the eerie silence, "Allen?"

He matched pace with her in reply.

"I know that since you're an exorcist… and I'm pretty sure I understand the gist of what I'm about to ask anyway… but… may I?"

Allen tipped his head, "May you what? Ask?"

She nodded.

"Go right ahead. No judgments held." He gave her that goofy grin those that knew him loved _so_ much and Lenalee bit back heavier tears.

She swallowed the lump in her throat to keep her voice clear, "How much do you value a life over you own? And how important is that to you?"

Allen rushed into the obvious answer, "Depends on how well I know them. I'll certainly give all within my _living_ power to help someone I _don't_ know but… I guess it also depends on the threat. If you really think about it though, just wearing my exorcist coat paints me a target. So my life is always on the line with the rest of yours. Then if it means anything to you, Lenalee, this work is my _life_. It's _very_ important to me… Why do you ask?"

She shook her head, "Just wondering."

He stopped her by her shoulder, "You're not acting right, Lenalee… Are you okay?"

She took an extra moment to reply, choosing her words warily. "I will be… one day… What about you?"

"I'm fine, but you're scaring me right now… what's brought all this up?"

"How quick would you be to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others?"

"Another question?"

"I just want to be sure I understand."

"Understand what?" Allen's voice rang in the empty silence that followed as Lenalee's trembling grew more violent.

"How you'll react…" She looked down to the side.

"React? React to what?" Allen became deeply nervous about where this conversation was going…

She didn't respond.

Allen's jitters got the best of him so he tried to change the subject, "Where's Lavi? Any word?"

"He's home."

Allen's heart dropped rather than was relieved, "I don't like how you said that Lenalee, where _is_ he?"

The tears began to gorge paths on her smooth cheeks and grew wider as she turned away, leaving him to stare at the aura she left… and behind where she had stood but a moment before, loomed the death of the final portion of Allen's soul.

"No…" He shook his head in denial and rushed for the large doors leading into the chapel. "Lavi!"

Komui cut off mid sentence as the young boy entered the room and Bookman took a few steps back, staring intently at Allen as if merely observing the meaningless reaction of a stranger.

"Where _is_ he?" Allen was shaking too now and Komui wouldn't look him in the eye.

Allen caught sight of a black glint behind them and he sprinted for it. He was instantly enfolded in restraints of the arms of Finders standing nearby.

"LAVI! Let me see him!"

"The coffin has already been sealed. There's nothing you can do now." Bookman's firm gaze never wavered.

Allen shattered inside and his body went limp. The Finders released him and he sank to the ground, horror spelled across his face.

Bookman patted Komui's arm and waved the Finders away, leaving the chief to console with the mortified exorcist.

"Damn you're cold heart, Bookman! You know no remorse!" Allen practically screamed at the old man's back as the door closed after it.

Komui watched helplessly, unable to speak as the young boy, crumbled, curled into himself a moment before slowly, clumsily crawling to the casket's side and shivering, caressed its surface while barely muttering over and over, "Not again…"

The chief almost began to speak, but was cut off by the teen once more, "Damn it!" His voice broke and softened, "Why Lavi?" He whined as tears cascaded down his face sickly pale from shock, "Why?" He looked up a Komui, "What happened to him?"

"… There was nothing removed but… it was _his_ signature… one of our Finders found him strung upside-down… He was more than likely dead before hung up just by signs of death but… I'm sorry Allen; there was nothing we could do."

Allen's soul grew cold and he ceased to tremor. His hands balled into fists but the tears never quit falling down.


	2. You Needed That

Allen rolled over and wiped moisture from his face. He sat up and found breakfast on a table in the middle of his room with a little note from Lenalee. He realized by reading the note, that it had been exactly one week since his heart left him for the last time.

He threw the note to the side and stared longingly at the food, but at the same time disgusted that he even wanted to eat any of it… It should be _him_ in the chapel… the chapel… today is the funeral…

The general's had spared Allen this much: they had promised him a separate funeral for his best friend to ease his mind some and motivate some kind of revenge. He knew in his subconscious that the generals only _really_ allowed this in hopes to strengthen his promise to never betray them. It made him sick as it came to the forefront of his mind and he left his room quickly to escape the torment of solitude and the need for food.

He immediately ran into Lenalee in the hall.

"Morning." She smiled, but the redness of her eyes revealed anything but happiness.

Allen didn't reply with much more than a half hearted wave and kept walking.

Lenalee, totally fed up, reached back and grabbed the collar of his shirt, "You didn't eat again, did you?"

Allen sighed.

"When are you going to eat more? And _when_ are you going to start talking?"

"The more we talk the closer we get. I'm not going to do this again Lenalee, _please_ understand."

Lenalee pulled him back, "You aren't even convinced he's really gone. You're just floating through the halls waiting for him to come back. You want someone, Allen. Admit it. You don't want to be alone."

Allen let out a shuddered breath, "Please don't torment me…"

"I'm not trying to, but you _need_ to eat-"

Allen pulled away and left her.

Suddenly, Lenalee was pushed _hard_ from behind. She turned with a start, struck her attacker, and froze, "Kanda?"

He set a hand on his now aching diaphragm, "You needed that."

She sighed and fought more tears, "This isn't right, Kanda… I didn't think they were this close… He _needs_ to eat more than he has been… I can't lose both of them… Does he see how much he's hurting me?"

"He's trying to."

She looked up, confused, "Huh?"

"He's trying to push us all away. It's fine. He's doing something for himself for once."

"How can you say this is 'fine'? It's not a _good_ thing for 'himself'!"

"Just take it as it is. There's nothing you can do. He's making his own stupid choices. I'm sure he'll figure things out eventually." Kanda walked past her as well leaving her to stare, in wonder at his back.

"Since when are you the counselor?" She smirked lightly, but received no response, but that was all she needed for the time being.


	3. His Voice

"A bet? Why did you make a bet with him?" Lenalee wanted to hit Link.

"I didn't intend to. I simply said that there was no way he was still alive and the kid bet me otherwise. He swore he wouldn't eat more than once a day until someone could prove to him that the young bookman was actually dead." Howard Link defended himself from the raging woman, "I don't know _where_ you heard of a bet on my side of things."

Lenalee sighed, defeated, "Fine." She walked calmly away from Link who turned slowly to leave.

Back in his room, Allen lay silently on his bed, staring at the ceiling. "Wish you were here buddy… I miss you Lavi…" He sniffled and wiped his nose with his sleeve and sat up on the edge of the bed enough to hunch over his knees and set his head in his hands. He stared at the floor watching his tears slap the concrete floor. "Lavi…" He whispered into the emptiness of his room and shuddered not to cry harder than he already was. A few tears for his friend's sake was plenty. "_Lavi_." He whined warily and sank deeper into the tremulous grip of his palms. He swallowed hard as a chill sprinted down his back bone and danced back up putting his fine hairs on end. He rapidly sat straight to face his hollow confines and chanced a stare at the door… It was still closed so Link hadn't heard him yet… He sighed and lay back down for his eyes to disappear into the ceiling and then the back of his eyelids.

"A…"

Allen pressed his eyes further shut at the soft coo of his friend. It seemed for a moment as though he were in the room. "Lavi… I don't know what to do anymore… I need you…"

"Al…"

The voice was in his head and a rush of rage split through Allen to silence it. It was mere desperation and denial that brought Lavi's voice to mind now. It was no more than his psyche playing tricks on him.

After a moment of fighting, he surrendered to his desires and spoke to the voice regardless of logic or sanity. "Lavi, I miss you terribly. Why'd you leave?"

"I tried…"

"What?" Allen continued to converse with his mind.

"I tried not to."

"I thought so..." Allen spoke drowsily fading to sleep.

When he woke, the voice in his mind persisted, "Allen? Are you awake?"

"I'm here…" Allen didn't know why he tortured himself this way… replaying the common greeting his bookman always gave him in the morning. He did believe Lavi to be dead, he just wasn't about to admit it.

"Sleep well?"

Allen nodded as though that would be some form of a visible response to the invisible. His eyes scanned the room, almost searching for a displacement of matter or air… like a ghost… or something other than the idea that maybe he _had_ gone insane. Lavi's voice was so clear and he caught it so quickly. It didn't feel like his intellect was controlling the voice, but he knew better. This was just him coping by bringing back Lavi's memory. And despite the reminder this behavior gave him of the loss of his friend, he almost felt at peace speaking to the voice.

"I love you Allen." The voice seemed distant and sad…

Allen wanted to scream… Lavi would never say that… not so blatantly as that. He knew it was fake then and chose to ignore it as much or as long as possible.

He headed down to the café and ordered his one meal for the day. One average portioned meal despite his stomach's loud cries for more than that.

"Is that all?" Lavi's voice again…

Allen lost his appetite; he left the plate on Jerry's counter and headed for a table empty handed.

"Good morning, Allen." Lenalee tried to smile, glad to see the boy was up on time and out with the others. "Finally gonna socialize again?"

"Nah, we're just passing through." Lavi's voice replied in Allen's ears before the boy could speak and silver eyes studied Lenalee carefully as if hoping that she had heard it to… she showed no signs of anything foreign. She hadn't heard a thing.

Allen shrugged, "I suppose."

He heard Lavi's voice sigh heavily and choke.

Instinctively, Allen turned to an empty space from the unconsciously chosen direction of the sigh, "What's wrong?" He flinched… He had just spoken to air with Lenalee watching. "Sorry…

She studied him wearily, "Are you okay?"

He heard Lavi scoff.

"No." The boy shook his head and set it in his hands again running his fingers through his hair… trying not to cry anymore.

Lenalee rose to her feet and came around the counter to put an arm around him, "Easy. It's okay."

Allen's bottom lip began to quiver and his eyes blurred thicker than an infinite fog. He choked on sorrows and shrank into himself.

"But Allen… Can't you hear my voice?"

Allen jolted at the pain in the voice and curled up tighter, "No! No, _Lavi_!"

Lenalee flinched when the boy jolted and she began to cry as the boy cried out for his lost friend. "Allen, stop! It's okay!"

"LAVI!" Allen threw himself from her arms and sprinted for the door and stumbled slower until he fell against the door jam. "Lavi… Stop that."

"But Allen… You _can_ hear me. I'm not dead!" Lavi's voice wavered and jumped as though he were crying too.

Allen slid to the floor and cried into his knees. "No…"

"Allen." Lavi's voice was astonishingly accompanied by a gentle touch on the back of Allen's neck.

"Stop it!" Allen leapt to his feet and swung an open palm at the air.

"Easy!" Lenalee ducked slightly despite Allen still being a few feet away. "Allen!" She ran to his side and embraced him fully, "It's okay! Easy…" She set a hand on the back of the boy's head, leaving her other arm wrapped around his ribs holding him steadier. "Allen…" She fought the tears that fell as well as struggling for better balance. "Why is this so hard for you? You're reacting worse than anyone could have predicted. We understand your persistence for proof, but these melt downs are just ridiculous." Her voice was etched with confusion and wretched by concern and sorrows of her own. "Please, stop this and be normal. Be _you_ again."

Allen shook his head against her shoulder realizing the juvenile nature of his panic and reaction to his minds method for coping. He decided… to try and accept it… "I'm sorry…" His voice was barely a whisper; a heart throttled whisper.

Lavi's voice sighed again, "Oh Allen…"

Allen shook his head again and leaned back from Lenalee, "I'll be fine… in time."

Lenalee smiled softly, "You better. I don't want to lose two friends in a week. And I mean that with the up-most respect."

Allen nodded this time and gave her a fake, hollow smile. He paused to think and began to walk away, "I'll be in my room."

"Would you like me to bring you your food?"

"Maybe later." Allen waved a weary hand over his shoulder and continued up the stairs.

Once in his room again, Allen stood in the middle of his floor and took in a deep breath.

"Is this you trying to settle yourself or waiting for me to say something." Lavi's intonation was slightly more cheerful, but still drenched in pain.

"I'm not really sure…"

Lavi's voice chuckled softly, echoing slightly, "Well get sure. I want to talk to you. But if you're going to try and walk out on me again, I'll wait."

"Why… Why am I hearing you."

"I already told you, buddy."

Allen stopped to consider. Had he really been told already? The only things he could remember were his name, sleeping well, and the emotion that came with the statements about the latter.

Lavi's voice sighed again and went to the bed. There was no displacement, but Allen could almost tell regardless.

Allen's mind then filled in the idea that Lavi had his head in his hands and was near to tears again… there was an aura… Allen shifted uncomfortably. He was taking this to far… But he wanted to know why Lavi's voice sounded the way it did… why it seemed to have the emotions behind it that it did… Why this wasn't really Lavi in the flesh.

Long lashes batted away burning tears and Allen tried to sit down. When he did so, though, he felt oddly inside and out… so he scooted over to a more comforting placement on the bed.

"Thank you for not sitting on me." Lavi's voice brightened in Allen's head and the boy shrank at the sound.

"I can't do this…" He smacked the sides of his head, "Quit! He's not here! He doesn't exist anymore!"

Suddenly, there was a heaviness to the room… accompanied by an overwhelming sense of empty, hollow… depression… The idea that Lavi was gone killed his soul.

"Hey Allen…"

A shuddered breath echoed in hallowed lungs by a barely beating heart, "What…?"

"It's going to be okay. As soon as I can, I'll find my way back."


End file.
